Guilt. Fear. Dread. Relief.

Guilt, fear, dread, and relief. This is my daily cycle and sums up how I feel about my daughters health issues.

Guilt. NF1 is a genetic disorder that is inherited. So we gave this to her. I feel racked with guilt that in some cosmic karma manner she is being forced to pay for my sins.

Fear. What if she loses her sight? She is months from her third birthday. How will she cope. Would she remember later the things she can see now? What if this is just a precursor of terrible things to come? We can all bog ourselves down in the unknown at times if we try, right now though it is hard not too.

Dread. Having to tell people, while often necessary, is both a relief and a nightmare. Every time I say it, it both makes me want to cry, and helps me to accept it and deal with it. People seem to either be rendered speechless or expend all their energy to not cry. Neither way is particularly easy for me either. I'm sorry, I didn't want to share this burden with you, but we will both grow from it I hope.

Relief. I am grateful for the strength, compassion, and companionship I find in my wife. It is times like these I am reminded she is as always the strong one. I am awash in the comfort we met Kim Uhas. Though she ultimately gave us the news of Catherine's NF1 she is certain and decisive on a course of action and that is comforting to say the least. I am also thankful to be in metro Atlanta, so close to this many Dr's and Nurses who seem to be extremely knowledgeable on NF1. Last I count myself lucky to, in this bad economy work somewhere in which prospects of unemployment are low, medical benefits are excellent, and the folks I work with are extremely supportive.